Your Girlfriend is a Pain in the Ass Drink

 Anthony Vermeulen is a dangerous man. According to some reports it is entirely believable that, should your boyfriend spend any time whatsoever with him, it is likely he will cheat on you while doing drugs just before you drink yourself into a stupor and ruin your life.

    Anthony wanders between drinking establishments all week, gamboling wildly through the streets heedlessly plying his charm on unsuspecting and defenseless nubiles for the sake of his own gratification. He then whiles away the day in the pub relating to all who will listen his tales of sexual derring-do. Forgive me for a bit while I romanticize being single. I do so only to lift the term “single” out of the mire and ooze where it lays bleeding and drunk in the gutter.  There are those who would have me excommunicated from their social circle. I am a pariah, a Flying Dutchman, hell, a bogeyman for I am single. At least, to those who vilify the term. Being a single man amidst your dating friends is akin to being a Vampire at an orphanage. Not the adolescent fair skinned misunderstood high-school Vampire either. I am seen as the Gary Oldman-hanging upside down-composed entirely of plague rats-Vampire. Folks, I like being single. It is some of you who don’t like it. I wonder why that is?

    The people who perpetrate this myth are not entirely to blame however. It is likely that I have helped cultivate this image as a cad, a ne’er do well with a devil-may-care attitude, but for all this, I have also tried to be nice to you ladies. I have hugged you guys and shaken the god damned hands. I have met your sisters and been nice to them for Christ’s sake. I  have listened intently while your boyfriend has heard your blather for weeks, months and God forbid, years. I have been there for your birthday and we exchange niceties and pretend that we’re buddies and we’re really cool with each other and life is good! We both think this dude you’re dating is great but I must tell you... all this time I have been pretending. I don’t particularly care for you. Your conversations are boring and insipid. Your jokes suck. I don’t want to be with, on or around any of your female friends, should you even have any. Your boyfriend and I roll our eyes all the fucking time when you say shit. If I am guilty of one crime in our relationship it is being a phony. I have pretended to like you just so I can hang around with your boyfriend.

    I recently ended a three year relationship. I will spare you the details but suffice it to say that at the end of it all, certain and many people in my life breathed a sigh of relief, some of them audibly(!) and I was shocked. All along  they were biding their time waiting for it to end so they could tell me what they really thought of her. Thank you for the late breaking news friends, but Ol’ Tone is made of more efficient stuff.

    To all who read this I now pledge that I am no longer going to be nice to your chick or your dude in order to hang out with you. Who am I doing a favor for when I am kind to them. You? Hey, I love you and we both know there aren’t wedding bells in the future. Me? Its like pulling teeth listening to her boring anecdotes and her little jabs against you when I’m around. No, your significant other is the only one who benefits from my niceties and in return what? I am still the Vampire. One guy said that “...at the end of the day we are likely to be punished for our kindnesses...” and its true. Ladies, you know that guy who booty calls your BFF when he is pissed and generally treats her like trash (yet she thinks they are dating)? Why are you making it comfortable for him to be around all the time? Gentlemen, your buddy’s chick who insults him in front of you, chides him or stomps around the house and slams cupboard doors when you are over? Why are you trying to placate her? These are clearly the actions of an unreasonable person!

    I refuse to shuck and jive and dance to your bullshit tune. I think it will make my life easier and more fun. I am put on this earth to improve my life as well as the lives of those around me and I think that while shining a light on how I feel about your lover may hurt our relationship for a while, I would rather this than waiting until its inevitable end and muttering, “Thank fucking God”, because where was I when you needed me? You know those long wooden pilings you see jutting up around the dock when you go to the waterfront? Thats me, bro. I may have a few birds sit on me from time to time. I may even get shit on, but I am a constant. When that boat or ship runs aground, that piling is still there, leaning a little to the left. The boat is at the bottom, but I’m still there.

    In closing, it is only fair that I ask you a question that has plagued me since you guys started dating. Who’s weak-ass undermining bullshit do I refuse to put up with just to have a few laughs with you to gedda drink around here?